Gray Hearts Episode Nine: Burn

It’s impossible, and I know it’s impossible even as I rush towards the fountain where Quinn is waiting with a carefree smile. Her orange hair hangs in soft waves around her face and shoulders, swaying in the breeze. She has a yellow dress that looks soft and as bright as the sun. I feel like I might melt if I touch her, so I pause in front of her. Every freckle is just where I remember it, scattered around her face in a perfect constellation. Her hazel eyes are sparkling, looking livelier than I’ve seen them in months, and I want to just stand here and breathe her in. 

“How—” I begin and shake my head. “How?”

Quinn just smiles. She looks peaceful, and there’s color in her cheeks as she doesn’t look away from me. I flush under her unflinching gaze and clear my throat. 

“Are you okay?” I ask, looking her over. “You’re not hurt anywhere, right?”

“I’m okay, if you want me to be.” The voice is Quinn’s, and I know I would recognize it from anywhere. 

But it’s not her. I can feel it as soon as she says this and tilts her head. Her eyes are on me, but she feels distant, like I’m just a window to something else she’s focused on. 

“Unless you’d rather I be in need of your help again?” she asks. “I can be whatever you want me to be, Iris.”

I feel my hands shake, and I form fists as I turn to find Yeo-reum. She’s standing next to me, beaming like a kid showing off their shitty macaroni art and expecting a compliment. 

“What is this?” I demand, and I feel my brow furrow at Yeo-reum’s innocent expression. “What are you playing at?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Yeo-reum says with a graceful shrug. “You wanted Quinn, and now she’s here.”

“This isn’t Quinn,” I huff, casting a glance towards the vacant-eyed impostor near me. “Not my Quinn.”

“She isn’t,” Yeo-reum confirms, her smile spreading. “She’s better! This Quinn is all yours! She’ll never leave you, you’ll never fight, and you can be together forever!”

“I don’t want her,” I say firmly. 

Yeo-reum gives me a sympathetic look and reaches out to brush against my arm, like she’s trying to comfort me. 

“This is a gift, my dear,” she says. “I’m giving you the Quinn you’ve always wanted. You’ll never be lonely with her.”

I feel myself glancing at not-Quinn. I can see us sipping champagne in the garden, giggling over some inside joke about the waiters or other guests. We spin together in the ballroom, Quinn’s eyes sparkling under the chandelier as she forces me to dance with her to every song until my feet hurt, her carefree smile a promise of a future only filled with brightness. Then we sip tea on the floor in front of a fireplace, talking so fast our words blur together like a song only we can sing—

“No,” I whisper, trying to shake the thoughts from my head. “It… it wouldn’t be real.”

“It’d be better,” Yeo-reum replies. “She will give you all the love you’ve been craving… and she’ll never reject what you’ve been too afraid to share with the other Quinn.”

I feel my heart thud against my rib cage, and I draw in a breath. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say quickly. 

Like it’s a natural response. Like it’s something I’ve said over and over again so many times that it’s second nature.

I remember when Quinn came out to me. It was in her car as we sipped shakes in the parking lot of some burger place. Her legs were curled up as she held her cup with both hands, looking so confident except for the trace of worry in her eyes.

“Am I supposed to be surprised?” I replied with a laugh. “You literally wouldn’t stop staring at that girl in history class all last year. What was her name? Angel? Faith?”

“Hope, and no I did not!” she almost shouted, her cheeks turning pink as a smile spread across her face. “She was just in my line of sight.”

“So you were trying to gaze at the trash can all year?”

Her leg swung out to gently kick my arm, and she stuck her tongue out at me. I stuck my tongue out at her before slurping up the remnants of my strawberry shake. It was quiet for a moment, and then Quinn let out a deep sigh. 

“I’m so relieved,” she said with a grin. “I was worried you’d start giving me weird looks or worry I had a crush on you.”

“You should. I’m a catch,” I retorted with an exaggerated wink. “But, really, you know I’d never judge you. Especially when you keep buying me drinks to tell me things I already know.”

She rolled her eyes and said something sarcastic back, but I couldn’t hear her as my heart gave a nudge. 

“You know…” I began slowly, using my straw to dig around the cup. “How you know you like girls?”

“Do I know how I like girls, or do I know I like girls?” she teased.

“That’s not what I… ugh you’re impossible,” I said with a sigh, and I was tempted to just drop the subject. “I mean… you know how people know they like certain people or not?”

“I am aware of that.”

“Do you think that people can know… that they don’t like other people like that?” I asked tentatively. 

“Oh, Iris,” Quinn said with a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry about that. So you haven’t had a crush yet. It’ll happen someday. It’s not like you’re broken or anything.”

Broken. I smiled and nodded along, even though that word seemed to be an accurate description of how I felt in that moment.

“She’ll listen to you,” Yeo-reum’s voice pulls me from the memory. “When you talk, she’ll hear you. Accept you. Love you.”

The words from her mouth seem to echo around in my head, and I can’t tell if it’s her magic or just that I’ve been so desperate to hear these words that I don’t care if they’re true or not. I shift my gaze back to not-Quinn, and her smile widens. Her eyes are soft and full of love. For me. 

She reaches her hand out to me, and I know I just have to reach out and take it. Then we can be here. Together. Forever. 

“It… wouldn’t be real,” I murmur, closing my eyes so I don’t have to see her waiting for me. “None of this would be.”

“It’s safer,” Yeo-reum replies. “All you have to do is accept what I’m offering, dear, and you could live in blissful happiness. Forever.”

“I don’t want that,” I say firmly, shaking my head. I open my eyes to look Yeo-reum in the eyes. “I want the real Quinn… even if she doesn’t understand me.”

Even if she doesn’t listen, or calls me broken. Because even as I think of the worst possible outcome, of the rejection I’d be setting myself up for if I told Quinn the truth, I realize that Quinn isn’t like that. She might not understand at first. She might say something that hurts me. 

Or she might wrap me in her arms and accept me for who I am. She might tease me about how she already guessed as much, or make dumb jokes about there being more fish in the sea for her. She might crochet an obnoxiously large ace blanket to go with the lesbian one she’s been making for herself. 

The real Quinn could do any of those. Or none. But the only certainty is that I didn’t give the real Quinn the chance to react. Not to the full truth at least. 

“I don’t know if Quinn would understand me or not,” I say, speaking only partly to Yeo-reum. “But I owe it to both of us to tell her.”

Not hinting or dancing around the subject, giving myself an easy out. I owe it to us both to have an open and honest conversation. To put a little more trust back into our friendship.

I hold my breath as Yeo-reum’s face blanks. Her gaze travels up and down me, and I’m worried I might have just made a big mistake. Maybe I should’ve just excused myself to the bathroom and tried to run for it. 

“You’re… not in love,” she says finally, her eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “But… I sense so much love in you. I don’t—I don’t understand.”

Yeo-reum sits at the edge of the fountain and motions for me to join her. I cast a quick glance around. Not-Quinn is gone. I take a hesitant seat next to Yeo-reum.

“It’s hard to explain,” I say slowly. “I know I don’t feel that sort of attraction everyone says I should be feeling. It’s like that part of me doesn’t exist, but it isn’t something I need.” I turn to look Yeo-reum in the eye. “That doesn’t mean I’m heartless. My love is for those close to me, not in a romantic sense… but not any less valid.”

“Like your love for Quinn,” Yeo-reum says with a slow nod. “Do you know my favorite part of love stories?”

I shake my head slowly. 

“It’s that moment when you risk everything,” she tells me. “When you let go of all that fear and offer your love. The moment when you lay it all on the line and wait to see what the other person will say. That blind moment of trust, of offering your heart with no guarantees. Well… I’m sure you’ll know that feeling soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“That’s my condition,” Yeo-reum says, rising to her feet and brushing off her dress. “I’ll help you only on the condition that you’ll tell your Quinn your true feelings when you see her.”

I feel my heart give a shudder. I wonder if I should offer up some excuses. Like, Quinn is going to be rescued and might have PTSD. Or she might be in shock. They’re valid, but I know Yeo-reum won’t accept them. For all the determination I had moments ago, the thought of having to promise to be brave turns my knees to jelly. 

“It doesn’t have to be the very moment.” It’s like she’s reading my thoughts. “But it has to be during your first meeting.”

I swallow, my mouth feeling dry, and nod my head. Yeo-reum points towards the garden maze. 

“On the other side, you’ll see my sister Autumn’s realm,” she tells me. “And… good luck, Iris. Autumn likes to play with her food.” She offers me one last smile. “I’m a sucker for a good love story. Yours might be different than I’m used to… but it makes me all the more eager to see how it ends.”Suddenly, the hedge looks like the place I don’t want to go to. But Quinn is waiting for me. I stand up, square my shoulders, and march confidently towards the entrance. I hear the orchestra music fade as I take the first step inside, and, despite the heat, I shiver.